Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Friday, December 11, 2009
Agree to disagree.
Let it be known that I, too, went through a phase of badmouthing the Super Mario Bros. movie. When I was younger, I thought this movie was amazing. To me, the idea of a movie being made out of a video game gave me tickles and excited feelings. If I had only known what they had started.
To really understand why Super Mario Bros. is a mind-blowing movie, you really have to understand that it is telling the story of the video game. In a very distorted perspective. Think about that for a minute.
What the hell is the game about? WHO KNOWS? It is undeniable that even Shigeru Miyamoto may have had no idea what the backstory was to his own game. You start out only being able to go in one direction. What's to the left? Who knew. Perhaps to the left was a time portal leading to underground Manhattan. Deny it all you want, but Mario is the only human in the entire game, next to Princess Toadstool. That seems kind of...unbelievable, doesn't it?
If you have the ability to imagine Bob Hoskins running right for four hours, jumping on giant goombas and avoiding pits, then you can see things a whole lot clearer. Instead of a crazy yellow brick road Mushroom Kingdom, we have a diabolical, technologically advanced city controlled by Dennis Hopper. He overthrew the king and put himself in charge. Kind of like King Koopa took control of all these castles that you were looking for Princess Toadstool in. Imagine if each one of those castles were a plant run by the city. Electric Company, Water Works. Just grab the nearest Monopoly board and pick a spot.
Keep in mind that this movie did not prove anything about the game, it just merely told a story that would have explained all the strange things. Like giant pipes as transport. The writers decided "Oh, Mario must be a plumber." Which I attest is not true. This movie is responsible for a huge misunderstanding that carried on way too far, and even spread back to Japan. If you've ever played Mario Superstar Saga, you'll see that after TWENTY YEARS OF MARIO NEVER HOLDING A DAMN PLUNGER THEY FINALLY MADE HIM UNCLOG A TOILET. Do you know why? It's because he's not a damn plumber. But because of this widespread pandemic of idiots believing that because he wears overalls he must be a plumber, Nintendo decided to go with it.
I implore you, rent this movie and give it another go. Insert the coin blocks and stars as you will, but please. Do it for the children.
To really understand why Super Mario Bros. is a mind-blowing movie, you really have to understand that it is telling the story of the video game. In a very distorted perspective. Think about that for a minute.
What the hell is the game about? WHO KNOWS? It is undeniable that even Shigeru Miyamoto may have had no idea what the backstory was to his own game. You start out only being able to go in one direction. What's to the left? Who knew. Perhaps to the left was a time portal leading to underground Manhattan. Deny it all you want, but Mario is the only human in the entire game, next to Princess Toadstool. That seems kind of...unbelievable, doesn't it?
If you have the ability to imagine Bob Hoskins running right for four hours, jumping on giant goombas and avoiding pits, then you can see things a whole lot clearer. Instead of a crazy yellow brick road Mushroom Kingdom, we have a diabolical, technologically advanced city controlled by Dennis Hopper. He overthrew the king and put himself in charge. Kind of like King Koopa took control of all these castles that you were looking for Princess Toadstool in. Imagine if each one of those castles were a plant run by the city. Electric Company, Water Works. Just grab the nearest Monopoly board and pick a spot.
Keep in mind that this movie did not prove anything about the game, it just merely told a story that would have explained all the strange things. Like giant pipes as transport. The writers decided "Oh, Mario must be a plumber." Which I attest is not true. This movie is responsible for a huge misunderstanding that carried on way too far, and even spread back to Japan. If you've ever played Mario Superstar Saga, you'll see that after TWENTY YEARS OF MARIO NEVER HOLDING A DAMN PLUNGER THEY FINALLY MADE HIM UNCLOG A TOILET. Do you know why? It's because he's not a damn plumber. But because of this widespread pandemic of idiots believing that because he wears overalls he must be a plumber, Nintendo decided to go with it.
I implore you, rent this movie and give it another go. Insert the coin blocks and stars as you will, but please. Do it for the children.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Yeah, we took the weekend off...so shoot us...
I come in this morning and here it is in my face. Yahoo! has put together their list of "Worst Videogame Movies"
I tend to agree with about 8 of them...I liked "Silent Hill" and I still like "Super Mario Brothers"...but you can check it out for yourself here...
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
"O"sssss Nossssss!!!!
If you haven't heard, Oprah plans to announce tomorrow that her TV show will end in September of 2011!!!
Oh, wait...I don't give a damn! Thanks Oprah for causing me to click on a news story and lose breaths of my life I will never get back...I never read the tease to stories on big news sites, I just look at the pictures and click if I think there may be something good. So when I logged in and Oprah's mug was glaring at me as the TOP STORY I planned on reading a story of her falling dead in a Popeye's chicken from a coronary, or winning some cow-brain eating contest in Hoboken, NJ, or finally admitting she's been plowing her girlfriend for the past decade...but no, all I get is this crap about her show coming to an end, ALMOST TWO YEARS FROM NOW! Damn it news sites, quit going Marty McFly on me and report on news from TODAY, not 2011...hell, we're all going to die less then 4 months after her show ends anyway, so who the hell should care?
What does Drew have to do with Fight Club?
Well if you have decided to make the Blu-Ray leap, and add the new "Fight Club" disc to your collection, you will find out...according to Yahoo! "Fight Club" director David "I will punk you like Ashton" Fincher decided to add the menu screen from Drew Barrymore's "Never Been Kissed" to poke fun at the fact Drew's movie beat the 'Club the weekend they were both released back in 1999...
Good thing this wasn't the kid they F'd with...
Here you go, a 15-year-old from Buffalo Grove, Illinois called 911 after his parents took away his X-Box...what did you want the cops to do kid? Taser your parents in the face? Nightstick to the cockles? Or maybe just put a bullet in the fat of their arm (you know, just a through-and-through)?
The only thing the cops should have done is take the kids X-Box and run it over multiple times with their squad car...dumbass!
The only thing that's worse then this is when parents call 911 for the cops to come when their kids are "out of control!!! OH NOS!" Buck up pussies...raise your damn kids yourself! Mike Forbess was right! I will fight you if you don't think so...check it out here...
Prince of Persia: Money Over Time
I have to say, I am fairly biased. Not only do I believe that Donnie Darko is one of the most overrated films of all time, and flat out hate Jake Gyllenhaal, but I also LOVE Prince of Persia. Okay, well, let me clarify. When I was a child I tried playing Prince of Persia for NES, ported from the Apple II. I think it was the Apple II. Anyway, the game was very hard for me. I was two or three at the time, but that really doesn't matter. I tried playing the game again a few years ago and it's still hard as balls. ANYWAY. More specifically I was a HUGE fan of The Sands of Time and Warrior Within. I have yet to finish The Two Thrones. It's not a good game. It just wasn't a good idea.
You know what else isn't a good idea? Making a fucking Disney movie about The Sands of Time.
Sure, sure, Pirates of the Caribbean was a great film. You know why that is? You can't have very high expectations when going to see a movie based on an amusement park attraction. Remember that old R.L. Stine book, "The Beast"? Same idea.
This movie, however, is based on a very beloved venture into a long running video game series. Originally developed by Broderbund, which later went on to create a little known game called Myst, The Sands of Time is a re-imagining of the series focusing on a Prince that finds a dagger that, when combined with a special hourglass, has the power to control time. Oh, and it also happens to release a bunch of sand that turns people into hideous creatures. BUT ANYWAY.
I don't know what it is about Disney. They love familiarity. All of their recent movies were totally ripped off of other, previously successful stories. Example: The Lion King. I won't get too into it, because I am not here to point out Disney's guilt by copyright infringement, but just get on the search engine of your choice and type in "kimba the white lion" and "lion king comparison" and you'll see tons of pages, some going so far as to have pictures side-by-side of Mufasa in the stars talking to Simba, and Kimba's father talking to him from the stars and clouds from decades before. They just took the imagery from Kimba and combined it with the story of Hamlet and BOOM. Box Office gold.
Example: Mulan. Um, Joan of Arc much? That, and I hear there's some Chinese tale of a real heroine that dressed up like a man and blah blah blah. Supposedly it's a legend or some nonsense.
And now we're at it again. Assassin's Creed is popular. They hear they're going to make a movie.
Michael Eisner: IS THERE ANY WAY WE CAN COPY THEM WITHOUT COPYING THEM? YOU KNOW, STEAL THEIR THUNDER AND RELEASE A SHITTY PICTURE FIRST?
Disney Jerkoff: Let's see...well, there was a Game of the Year title a few years ago about some middle eastern prince-
Michael Eisner: WHAT? LIKE THE PRINCE OF EGYPT?
Disney Jerkoff: Well, not exactly, sir. I mean, there's an hourglass-
Michael Eisner: WITH SAND? LIKE IN ALADDIN?
Disney Jerkoff: I guess there was sand in Aladdin. Anyway, he meets this girl-
Michael Eisner: THAT'S IT. SHE'S JASMINE. LET'S DO THIS. WHO DO TWEENGIRLS FLOCK TO THESE DAYS THAT WE DON'T ALREADY HAVE SIGNED IN BLOOD?
I have a feeling this is exactly how their meetings go.
You know what else isn't a good idea? Making a fucking Disney movie about The Sands of Time.
Sure, sure, Pirates of the Caribbean was a great film. You know why that is? You can't have very high expectations when going to see a movie based on an amusement park attraction. Remember that old R.L. Stine book, "The Beast"? Same idea.
This movie, however, is based on a very beloved venture into a long running video game series. Originally developed by Broderbund, which later went on to create a little known game called Myst, The Sands of Time is a re-imagining of the series focusing on a Prince that finds a dagger that, when combined with a special hourglass, has the power to control time. Oh, and it also happens to release a bunch of sand that turns people into hideous creatures. BUT ANYWAY.
I don't know what it is about Disney. They love familiarity. All of their recent movies were totally ripped off of other, previously successful stories. Example: The Lion King. I won't get too into it, because I am not here to point out Disney's guilt by copyright infringement, but just get on the search engine of your choice and type in "kimba the white lion" and "lion king comparison" and you'll see tons of pages, some going so far as to have pictures side-by-side of Mufasa in the stars talking to Simba, and Kimba's father talking to him from the stars and clouds from decades before. They just took the imagery from Kimba and combined it with the story of Hamlet and BOOM. Box Office gold.
Example: Mulan. Um, Joan of Arc much? That, and I hear there's some Chinese tale of a real heroine that dressed up like a man and blah blah blah. Supposedly it's a legend or some nonsense.
And now we're at it again. Assassin's Creed is popular. They hear they're going to make a movie.
Michael Eisner: IS THERE ANY WAY WE CAN COPY THEM WITHOUT COPYING THEM? YOU KNOW, STEAL THEIR THUNDER AND RELEASE A SHITTY PICTURE FIRST?
Disney Jerkoff: Let's see...well, there was a Game of the Year title a few years ago about some middle eastern prince-
Michael Eisner: WHAT? LIKE THE PRINCE OF EGYPT?
Disney Jerkoff: Well, not exactly, sir. I mean, there's an hourglass-
Michael Eisner: WITH SAND? LIKE IN ALADDIN?
Disney Jerkoff: I guess there was sand in Aladdin. Anyway, he meets this girl-
Michael Eisner: THAT'S IT. SHE'S JASMINE. LET'S DO THIS. WHO DO TWEENGIRLS FLOCK TO THESE DAYS THAT WE DON'T ALREADY HAVE SIGNED IN BLOOD?
I have a feeling this is exactly how their meetings go.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Eminem's new horror movie...
Yeah, Eminem will make is return to the big screen next year in his movie "Shady Talez"
This is what we know, it's going to be a full-on release, it's going to be in 3-D, and it's set as a hip-hop take on classic scary stories...
I guess we should look for a October 2010 release...
Yeah, Eminem will make is return to the big screen next year in his movie "Shady Talez"
This is what we know, it's going to be a full-on release, it's going to be in 3-D, and it's set as a hip-hop take on classic scary stories...
I guess we should look for a October 2010 release...
Friday, November 13, 2009
GHOST ADVENTURES TONIGHT!!!
OK, I'm a huge G.A. degenerate, and tonight is a new episode at 9pm on the Travel Channel...if your are a fan of any paranormal show, Ghost Lab, Ghost Stories, Scariest Places on Earth, or even the sub-par Ghost Hunters (or any of the other crappy rip-offs for that matter) you need to tune in...
Tonight the guys are headed overseas to Povegila Island in Italy. This place is one of the top ten scariest places ever! Flat out. Thousands of people died horribly on this island. When the Black Plague struck Italy, this island is where any infected person was sent to die. We're talking over 160,000 people DEAD.
Then in the 1920's a mental hospital was built on the island, where it's ruins stand to this day. During this period, according to local legend, a mad doctor tortured and killed hundreds, if not thousands of patients before he was killed. But the scariest part of that story is how he died...the doctor was pushed from a bell tower on the island. Doesn't sound that scary? The fall didn't kill him...while he was injured on the ground, a thick fog came up from the ground, wrapped around his neck, and strangled him to death in front of the patients he did so much harm to.
The island is not open to the public, so this will be the only time you will get an in-depth look at it, so enjoy...oh, and make sure to leave a light on...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)